The Scaly Chest Monster Returns
by doctor b. broseph
Summary: There's a scaly chest monster in Harry's chest and it wants him to kiss Ginny. How will Harry react?
1. Chapter 1 Not worth the weight

It was a bright and sunny day in Privet Drive and Harry Potter, the Boy Who Lived, was sitting on a bed under the staircase. He didn't come in here often but when he did it was usually to polish the old wand. Rigorously pumping the stick between his fingers and a piece of cloth, Harry laid back and thought of Hogwarts.

He couldn't wait to start another year, it seemed as though every school year he was fighting off danger. He was looking forward to finally having a normal school year (or at least as normal as possible). A year where his friends weren't put in mortal danger and his parental figures killed. A year where that magical douchebag Voldemort was gunning for him.

As sparks flew from the tip of the wood, Harry smiled and thought about his excitement. He was so excited to have another shot at a normal year! "Harry, get out from under there you stupid orphaned prick!" yelled his ridiculously overweight cousin Dudley. "I'm coming!" Harry ejaculated. He signed and put his hand on the knob before twisting it. This could only lead to fun, he thought to himself adjectively.

Dudley stood outside the staircase, leaning over the edge, waiting to pounce. Harry had called him fat so many times. Now he would get pay back by jumping (or more likely rolling) down the stairs and crushing Potter's spine beneath his wide berth. Dudley smiled at the thought of his weight upon Harry. There would be too much Dudley for Harry to handle.

Harry opened the door warily. Dudley leapt (rolled). His natural blubber spread increasing his surface area. Harry glanced up and leapt aside. Dudley's bulk seemed to slow in the air and slowly descended to the ground. The carpet collapsed under his weight and a large crater formed beneath him. The house shook as if mortally wounded.

Harry picked himself up and looked over to Dudley. It was a gruesome sight. He had landed on his head and the intense, gargantuan weight of his body had obliterated everything above his torso. If it had been possible to feel a pulse through the layers of fat that encased his body, Harry would have known for certain that he was dead.

"Holy God, you nearly killed me you fat son of a-"

Harry paused. Dudley wasn't rolling over and getting back up. Was he… dead? Harry tried to feel for a pulse but felt nothing.

"Holy God. Dudley Dursley is dead!" Harry swore. There was no way he wasn't going to take the fall for this. If Uncle Vernon or Aunt Petunia saw this, he was as good as dead himself. There was no logical way Harry could hide this. There would still be the question of where Dudley was. Harry only hoped he could shift the blame onto someone else.

To get away unscathed, he would require some sort of… magic. Harry smiled. He pointed his wand at Dudley's body and cried, "Vanishing spell!"

Dudley failed to disappear. Harry cursed. Why couldn't he remember how to use a vanishing spell! IF only he could remember somehow…

"Accio Hermione Granger!"

Suddenly Hermione burst through the window.

"Fuuuuuuuuuuu-"she screamed as glass shards span in all directions.

She landed with a heavy thud and then a tinkle of glass, "-uuuuuck!"

She picked herself and huffed haughtily at Harry.

"Harry, what the hell?"

Harry gasped. For some reason.

"Hermione, quickly I need to know how to use a vanishing spell so I can dispose of my cousins corpse!"

Hermione gasped, "Harry what did you do?"

Harry retorted quickily, "It was Voldemort, he's trying to frame me for murder to defame me! Please believe, and help, me!"

Hermione's eyes twinkled.

"Oh Harry I believe you even if no-one else does!"

She turned to Dudley's body, oblivious to Harry's smirk.

"Evanesco! Reparo!"

Dudley vanished and the floor became much less concave. Hermione spun around to face Harry.

"But Harry, won't they know that we've used underage magic?"

Harry swore. Suddenly cloaked figures burst through the windows. It was… the wizard cops.

"You two are under arrest for underage magic."

"We'll come quietly-" began Hermione before the wizard cops proceeded to beat the shit out of both her and Harry.

They were unconscious. The wizard cops smiled.

"Now that they are unconscious, let's take them back to our master."

Harry gasped because he remembered that wizard cops weren't even a thing that was real. Wizard cops are fake just like the Deathly Hallows and Crumpled Horned Snorkacks. No, these men… were _Death Eaters_!

Harry gasped.

**_To Be Continued!_**


	2. Chapter 2 Getting it off your chest

When Harry awoke from his unconsciousness, he was pressed against a cold, flat surface. He mused briefly on the last time this had happened. It was in a dream, but that didn't make it any less disturbing.

He looked around. He was in a small, dingy cell. It was dark and musty. In the corner lay the unconscious form of Hermione.

"Boy. Hey boy."

Harry started.

"Hello? Who's there?"

He looked around quickly. He was alone in the dark with Hermione.

"Hey boy. Now's your chance. Kiss the girl."

Harry looked around bewilderedly.

"What? Why would I want to kiss Hermione? Who the hell are you anyway?"

A horrible thought dawned on Harry.

"Oh God, I'm not schizophrenic or something am I?"

Harry heard a dark chuckle.

"No. It's me. The scaly chest monster."

Harry swore.

"Oh would you just piss off. I remember you. You were always telling me to kiss all these girls. Seriously what the hell is your deal? Do you get off on the idea of two teenagers making out or something?"

"Look kid, I'm just trying to ensure you end up romantically linked with someone okay? I've invested too much time in your adventures to see you end up alone."

Harry frowned.

"What's it to you? Why does it matter if I end up with anyone?"

The scaly chest monster sighed, presumably from within Harry's chest.

"Look let's not go down this path. All I'm saying is, I want to help you out romantically."

Harry frowned.

"Well I guess I did like this one chick, Cho Chang…"

The scaly chest monster tutted softly.

"Not going to happen. I've read ahead. You end up with Ginny."

Harry frowned.

"Then why the hell did you tell me to make out with Hermione!"

"I don't know, I thought you might want to?"

"She's like a sister to me."

"Yeah, a non-blood-related sister!"

Harry was agape. This probably made the scaly chest monster Eros.

"Look there's no way I'm making out with anyone because a fictional creature told me to! So stuff you, I'll date whoever I want!"

The scaly chest monster sighed.

"Sure Harry. Sure."

Harry drew his wand and pointed it at his chest threateningly.

"You wouldn't. You'd die too!"

Harry grimaced.

"I'll do what I have to. Diffindo."

Harry's chest burst open and the scaly chest monster burst out like something out of a horror film. Harry reeled back, struggling to retain consciousness.

"Avada… Kedavra…" He screamed, waving his wand haphazardly.

At that moment the door opened and Wormtail entered.

"Harry, I'm here to pay off my de-"but he was cut off by the killing curse that hit him square in the face.

The scaly chest monster took its chance and darted through the door. But not before turning to face Harry one more time.

"It's going to happen Harry! You can't escape canon."

Harry was near delirious at this point.

"Your mother was a cannon!" He screamed in agony.

Then he collapsed, bleeding out across the floor. Pints of bloods lapped up against the wall. Hermione awoke with a gasp.

"Harry!"

She pulled him onto his side and pointed to the gaping hole in his chest.

"Repairo!"

Harry was as good as new. Besides from the litres of blood he had lost. Hermione stood up and saw Wormtail's corpse propping open the door. She reached down and hoisted Harry across her shoulders.

"C'mon Harry I'm taking you to the Burrow!"

Harry groaned, "Shouldn't you be taking me to St. Mungo's?"

Hermione frowned.

"No Harry. We're outlaws on the run from the wizard cops remember."

Harry would have replied to berate Hermione for believing in something as stupid as wizard cops but he had slipped into unconsciousness yet again. He hoped this wasn't setting a precedent.

**_To Be Continued!_**


	3. Chapter 3 This is my broomstick

As Harry lay against Hermione's back, as she straddled his broomstick, he thought about what the scaly chest monster had said. Was Harry really doomed to be strangled by the red string of fate? He wasn't even into erotic asphyxiation. Not that he had tried it. But that was beside the point. Harry remembered Dumbledore saying that prophecy usually only came to pass if the participants wanted it to. Did Harry want to marry Ginny? If so, was it his desire that motivated him or Fate?

As Harry pondered the philosophical implications, Hermione zoomed through the sky, clutching Harry's broomstick. She descended through a cloud, covering the pair in a thin layer of moisture.

"Ah what the hell Hermione? I was thinking!" Harry screamed ignorantly.

Hermione pouted and sultrily through her head over her shoulder to face Harry. Her hair clung to her face.

"Well excuse me Harry, but we've got to get you to the Burrow! Only the Weasleys can save you now!"

Harry frowned. He took on a bemused expression.

"The Weasleys? Hermione, I'm not sure they'll be as helpful as you think. The Death Eaters-"

"You mean Wizard Cops."

"- … fine, the 'Wizard Cops' will probably go to the Burrow as soon as they learn of my escape. I mean come on; I'd either go there or to Hogwarts! We should go somewhere else like the Leaky Cauldron!"

Hermione frowned. Harry could tell she was thinking.

"Well Harry if you really don't want to be caught, you should go somewhere you've never been before so they won't think to look for you there. If you have no connection to the place, then they'll have no reason to suspect you're hiding there!"

Harry smiled deviously.

"Hermione you're brilliant! But where?"

Hermione thought ponderously.

"Well I think Luna lives around here somewhere. We'll collect Ron and he can lead us there. We can ask Luna to hide us at her place until the heat dies down and the wizard cops let their guard down. Then we can clear your name."

"Hermione why the hell do you persist about this fantasy with the 'wizard cops'?"

Before Hermione could answer, they hit another cloud.

"Oh god Harry, I am so wet right now."

_**To Be Continued!**_


	4. Chapter 4 A date with destiny

Meanwhile Ron was sitting in his room polishing his wand when he felt a tug on his shoulder. Bewildered, he turned around, expecting to see a mortified sibling or disapproving mother. But there was no-one else in the room. He turned back to what he was doing. Suddenly the tug turned into a grasp.

"Bloody hell! What in the name of Merlin's particularly swollen left-"

But he never got to finish his sentence. Because at that precise moment, Ron launched through his bedroom window and hurtled into the sky. It was incredibly disconcerting. Needless to say, at this point, Ron was screaming.

"Oh god why? What is happening to meeee!"

His girlish screams went unheard. He began to spin, and his ascent increased. Ginny looked out the window and saw a figure flying diagonally across the sky. She immediately put down her mother's gin.

"Oh dang!"

Hermione turned around.

"Looks like Ron's on his way."

Harry turned to see the ginger boy hurtling towards him. He stretched out his arm and pulled Ron onto the broomstick. Ron quickly clutched Harry's back and pulled himself forward, pressing against Harry's body. Harry was sandwiched between his two mates. It was bloody awkward.

"Bloody hell Harry! What's going on?"

"Well Ron I was attacked by-"

"Wizard Cops!"

"Wizard Cops?"

"Yeah just humour her. Anyway, I was attacked, a scaly monster crawled out of my chest and now we're on the run from the law."

"Wicked."

"Glad you think so. Anyway, do you know where Luna lives? We were thinking of laying low at her place for a while?"

Ron frowned. You could tell he was trying to think.

"Why don't you just stay at the Burrow? I'm sure Mum wouldn't mind."

Hermione turned around and made an expression of utmost contempt.

"Well Ron, that's obviously the first place they'll think to look! Everyone knows you and Harry are mates. Better to hang out with the chick everyone thinks is a weirdo. As far as they know, we don't give a shit about Luna."

Ron smirked.

"But Hermione, I don't give a shit about Luna."

Hermione laughed, "Well neither do I! That's why no-one will suspect a thing."

"Wow, I never realised what jerks you guys can be," huffed Harry.

"Oh come on Harry. What, do you honestly like Luna?" scoffed Hermione.

"She's a nutter!" cried Ron.

"Oh come off it. She's nice." Harry said defensively.

"If she's so nice why don't you marry her?" Hermione taunted.

Harry paused. Hermione hadn't meant it seriously but it gave Harry an idea. What if he dated a bunch of chicks who weren't Ginny just to see if he could prove that scaly chest monster wrong? Not only could he obtain all the kisses but he could also stick it to Fate.

Ron and Hermione gasped.

"Harry, surely you're not thinking about asking out Luna Lovegood."

Harry smiled deviously.

"Not only am I thinking about it, but I'm wondering just how justified her last name is, if you know what I mean!" (They didn't)

"But Harry what about _us_?" cried Ron and Hermione in unison.

"What?" said Harry quickly. He prepared to jump from the broom in case he needed a quick escape from an awkward situation.

"No wait, we didn't mean it like that. What we meant was, if you're going to be romancing Luna the whole time, what will we do?" murmured Ron and Hermione in perfect unison. It was uncanny.

"Well you guys can just make out with each other. I've got a date, to screw Destiny!"

"Geez Harry you don't even know if she'll say yes!"

* * *

><p>"Oh! Well my answer to you, Harry, would have to be yes." said Luna affirmatively, as she skipped inside her house.<p>

"Wow." remarked Ron.

"Pretty smooth."

_**To Be Continued!**_


	5. Chapter 5 Out with a bang

"Haha nice outfit Luna," Harry laughed as she exited from her rook shaped house.

She was wearing a garish orange sweatsuit, with small dark highheels. She grinned, flashing bright teeth.

"Oh this is just in case of the spotted Snargles that live near the pond start to swarm. I'm actually wearing something much more revealing beneath."

Harry chuckled.

"I guess I must ask, what is a spotted Snargle?"

Luna's eyes widened.

"You mean you haven't heard of them? Daddy says they're fairly common in Britain but perhaps not where you live. They look sort of like that Yoda from that one Muggle movie, Space Wars or something. They're really small impish creatures that swarm all over you if you wear pleasant colours, better stay close to me, anyway! As I was saying, they particularly like the taste of-"

Harry smiled. He certainly wouldn't be bored tonight.

* * *

><p>"Pfft, can you believe that Harry ditched us to go on a date with Loony Lovegood?" scoffed Ron scornfully. He huffily booted a rock lying on the path. Beside him walked Hermione, sullenly staring out the ground, hands in her pockets.<p>

"Yeah. That sure was a thing that he did." she replied sulkily.

Ron stared at her disbelievingly.

"Geez, taking it a bit hard aren't you?"

She smiled sadly.

"I'm really not. That's the problem"

Ron paused, a confused expression crawling across his face.

"I think I lost you there."

"I'm not taking it hard."

"Oh… Still not getting it."

"No, that's my problem."

"… What?"

"Forget it Ron. What do you want to do?"

Ron thought for a moment. A rare occasion.

"Well, there's a small village down the path we could check out. So, you want to check it out?"

Hermione stared at Ron for a moment. She sighed and then shrugged.

"Yeah sure. It's a date."

Suddenly Ron understood everything.

"Woah. Hermione have you been making innuendoes this whole time?"

Hermione gasped.

"I- what?"

"I mean, looking back, lots of things you've said could be taken in two ways."

Hermione flushed and turned away from Ron, hurrying along the path.

"That's ridiculous! Don't be such an idiot Ron! You're so- so-"

Hermione struggled to find the word.

"Totally irresistible?"

Hermione gasped. She hadn't said that. It had been Ron. He was wearing a suave grin.

"It's okay. I've felt it too this entire time."

He leapt forward and swept her off her feet and gazed into her eyes.

"Baby, you're my forever girl."

Next thing Hermione knew, he was sweeping her into a kiss, their lips interlocked. Pure Bliss. Nothing could ruin this moment. Nothing at all.

Suddenly in a twist both Ron, Hermione and you found completely shocking, Death Eaters descended onto Luna's House. They were carrying wands.

"We caught you, you meddling kids," cried Bellatrix Lestrange as she pulled out a pistol from her rack. She pointed it squarely at Hermione's chest.

"Time to die!"

She squeezed the trigger and the gun burst. The bullet whistled through the air and straight into the chest of Ron who intercepted the bullet and saved Hermione's life.

"Oh dear sweet wizarding god! This really fucking hurts!" cried Ron, dropping an F-bomb to emphasise the pain. He coughed up blood for good measure.

"Ron, no!"

Hermione clutched Ron's lifeless form and cradled him. It was pretty tragic, I'm not going to lie. She sniffed sadly and pointed her wand at Ron.

"I don't think I can save you Ron. I'm going to have to put you down."

Ron smiled sadly yet reassuringly.

"It's okay. You do what you need to do."

Hermione sobbed.

"Avada Kedavra!"

Bellatrix began to laugh. She had quite evilly forced Hermione to put down her lover. Voldemort would be pleased. But to her shock she realised that Hermione had flipped her wand sideways and that when she had uttered the fatal incantation it had not been pointed at Ron at all. It had been pointed at her.

"Clever girl-"

The green light hit her smack bang in the chest. She fell over slowly, wobbled and then was still.

The rest of the Death Eaters basically flipped out.

"She killed Bellatrix!"

"It was a ruse all along!"

"Are we next?"

They all disapparated immediately. Hermione turned back to Ron.

"Reparo!"

The gunshot wound sealed itself. Ron would live. They both smiled and then snogged. Their kiss was very passionate and also actually pretty bloody. The romantic nature of the incident sort of outweighed the gory bit so it's all good.

As they snogged long into the night, a nearby bush rustled. A scaly monster, perhaps the type that typically resides within the cavity of someone's chest, emerged and ticked off one box lablled _HermionexRon_. He hissed evilly to himself: "Just as planned."

_**To Be Continued!**_


	6. Chapter 6 Everything ends for the best

In fact, Hermione and Ron were so busy with their snogging they failed to notice the arrival of one Severus Snape. He apparated with a loud crack, but neither of them seemed to have heard or they were too engrossed in their activities to care. Snape coughed quietly to try to get their attention. They either didn't hear him or chose to ignore him.

"Weasley. Granger. Put your shirts back on."

Hermione squealed.

"Oh Mr Snape!"

Snape frowned perpetually. He was a bit of a downer like that.

"Ms Granger, Mr Weasley, please just shut up and tell me where Potter is. He is in need of protection-"

Ron gasped and blushed.

"Blimey, you don't think he and Luna are that serious do you?"

Snape paused for a moment before continuing his spiel.

"Yes, Potter is in great need of protection Mr Weasley. He had left himself exposed to-"

"I don't know, you'd think Luna would be safe. She hasn't really got around much, I wouldn't think."

Snape paused for a slightly longer moment.

"If Ms Lovegood is in Harry's presence, then I would suggest she would require protection as well."

"Don't you think that's a bit much? I'd say only one of them needs to use protection."

"You can never have too much protection Mr Weasley. I myself use several layers each-"

"Blimey, wouldn't that interfere with-"

"- when the Dark Lord tries to enter my-"

"- You wouldn't feel a thing would you?"

Snape paused bemusedly. There was something quite peculiar about this conversation. Almost as if the ginger dork and he were having completely separate conversations at once. He decided to solve the situation. Permanently.

"Weasley. Shut up right now or I'll sever your arms and graft them to your lower intestine so that every time you need to pick up a book you need to excrete your hands to reach it before they retract back up your rectum."

Ron went completely silent. Hermione also continue to be silent. Snape however, spoke.

"Where is the speckled git? Polishing his wand in a squalid, dark corner? Awkwardly fumbling around in the dark groping at himself with mixed feelings of shame and impulse? Grinding against a mattress? Well?"

Hermione stuttered squeakily, "He's out on a date with Luna Lovegood."

Snape gasped with realisation. He chuckled to himself. He suddenly understood everything.

"Haha I get it now. Weasley, I doubt you have anything to fear. If you got AIDS, it wasn't from Potter."

Ron momentarily smiled in relief before realisation brought a look of mortification to his face.

"Hey!"

* * *

><p>So at this point, Harry was basically macking on Luna. If you know what I mean. He's basically snogging her on the lips and she's snogging back. It's one big massive snog fest. Their hands are like everywhere. Things are heating up. Harry was lying back, enjoying the feeling of Luna's lips on his-<p>

"What are you doing you motherfuckers?"

It was… Lily Potter.

Harry flipped out.

"Mum! What the hell! This- you- what?"

Lily took a flying leap and extended her heel forward, aiming it straight at Harry's head. It was a critical hit.

**_FATALITY!_** (But not really)

Harry was sent reeling. Luna got up and gasped. She quickly wrapped the picnic rug around her bodice.

"Mrs Potter, that was quite rude and rather inconsiderate-"

But then Luna was quite rudely and rather inconsiderately punched in the face by Harry's mum. Luna was sent spinning right out of the rug and landed beneath Harry's limp form. Lily Potter reached into her pocket pulled out a small plastic packet and dropped it on their heads.

"Hey kids, always remember to be safe."

Lily then smiled.

"Harry, it's so good to see you. You're all grown up! And how! We need to catch up."

Harry bewilderedly nodded. This was so weird. Things could not possibly get any stranger than they were right now.

"Lily?"

It was Snape. Lily gasped.

"You son of a bitch!"

She leapt forward, grabbed Snape's wand and bit it in half. Then she pushed him onto the ground and beat him off.

"What are you doing?" cried Snape.

"You son of a bitch!" cried Lily in response.

Then Ron and Hermione came. They were making out.

In a nearby bush, beneath a pile of must old leaves, a particularly scaly monster, burst forth from the bushes, ticked off a box marked _LilyPotterxSeverusSnape _and smiled deviously to himself.

"Just as planned."

Harry gasped.

"You set this all up didn't you, you scaly jerk!"

The Scaly Chest Monster smiled. "Yes Harry I lied. I always planned to break away from canon, and knew that if I told you you would have no choice but to date Ginny, that in defiance you would date Luna Lovegood. And now you have to marry her."

Harry swore.

"Wait, why do I have to marry Luna?"

Luna sobbed.

"Because Harry. I'm pregnant with your child. And you're the father."

Harry gasped.

Lily slumped limply to the ground.

"Alas, I am late."

The Chest Monster laughed evilly.

"I won Harry! No-one can save you now! Your mother is late, Luna is pregnant and your friends are too busy making out to be of any assistance to you. And you won too. Don't you see Harry. You don't need the Weasley harlot. Luna is a much better companion. I know this. In tie, you'll see it too. Trust me. I know better." He smiled warmly, before dramatically pausing.

Harry was gripped with a sudden hope. Someone would come, Dumbledore, Moody, perhaps even Dobby? But the moment passed and the next thing Harry knew, he was married to Luna, they were making love watched by the Scaly Chest Monster who concealed himself beneath their bed, pining silently for the harlot Ginny before the creature reminded him who he loved, raising their only child alone while she was taken away to an asylum, finding solace only in the drink. Days sped past. Harry wasted away, flesh retreating past his ribs. He reclined in his chair, oblivious to the disappearance of their child. His eyes sunk into their sockets, hair grew matted and tangled. Moths came and ate away at his clothes and he lay before the scaly beast that watched him in the night, always half-hidden but ever present. And as the Death Eaters finally came and Harry was dragged up to Voldemort, who hissed and stuck his wand crudely into the back of his head, Harry realised that the chest monster had truly bettered his life. Love was the most important thing. His plans, his design for Harry surely must have been better than destiny he would have had with Ginny. It was clear now, that the omnipresent always hidden and watchful Scaly Chest Monster had known what was best for Harry. He had been wrong to mistrust the misunderstood creature, who had been kind enough to take such an interest in Harry's life. Any misgivings he'd had over the flushed, loving creature who had watched over them in their tenderest moments with such keen interest had been misplaced. With the creature's guidance, he had won the victory over himself. He loved Luna.


End file.
